I don't know about you, but for me, this is hard. Everything is.
I feel like every day I'm being shown just how much I'm failing. Everytime my kids do the exact opposite of what I've asked, checkmark in the fail column. Everytime Gabe slams Owen down or does something unkind to him another. Daily my fail column is full while my success column remains a blank slate. Every. Day.
I'm questioning my ability to mother. Julian's frequent outburst about whatever is bothering him, my inability to communicate with him, I'm stumbling and struggling. I'm not the mother that I want to be, not even close. Not even a fraction of the mom I want to be, strive to be, yet fail daily to be.
And then I think about this perfect, unscathed baby that we are so blessed to be expecting. Sometimes I hope I stay pregnant for ever, so I don't mess this one up too. I can carry a baby no problem, it's the parenting I fail at.
I will continue trying, it's all I can do. Maybe one day my success column won't be quite so empty and my fail column quite so full. Maybe.
4 comments:
Christia Rachell Palizzi, YOU ARE NOT FAILING! You have 3 beautiful young boys, they are healthy, they have loving parents. While I can relate to what you're going through (sort of, I only have 2 and am not currently preggers) you are in no way failing. You may not be meeting your unreasonably high (completely natural, by the way) expectations, but when you look in the mirror you should see the loving wife and mother that you are.
Read this:
http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2012/08/dear-sweet-mom-who-feels-like-she-is.html
Lots of hugs and love for you!! I'll have a drink in your honor as well! ;-)
Oh hun, sometimes we just need to see ourselves through others eyes.
I have always admired and looked up to you as a parent. You are so loving and kind to your children. You are going to be your worst critic here and Barry probably the best judge and I am sure he will kiss you and tell you that he couldn't have dreamed of a better mother for his children.
Be easy on yourself. Please.
I'm glad you got a pedicure today. I went and bought myself two new prego shirts and I feel a lot better. It is hard being home doing the same things every day. It makes it very hard to see positive progress or impact we are making.
I think you are an awesome mom and I don't really even fully know you! Mothering is one of the hardest jobs we will ever have. Kids don't thank us much for the things we do for them. You boys are young and it is hard work!! You are awesome!!
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