Confessional

It's nearly one am. My post run high is coming to a rash and I have completed my nightly routine. Everyone is sleeping and there is a sweet baby girl lying next to me with her little arm outstretched and resting on mine. It's like she has to be touching me to sleep. This evening while I was making dinner I had Emilia on my back in the Beco. She kept rubbing my side with her tiny hand and the sweetness of the gesture nearly made me weep.

So my confession. I like to watch my boys sleep. And girl. I'm still working on retraining my brain to say children or kids instead of boys. After Owen has come out of his room approximately 94,562 times for various necessities, and after Julian has closed his latest book, turned off his book light and shoved them both haphazardly under his pillow, and when Gabe has perfectly arranged his assortment of puppies, had his nightly snack (string cheese) and filled his water bottle, I like to sneak into their room. I like to peer into the darkness and witness how they're sleeping. Gabe never has blankets. Never. Julian is a snuggler. He usually cons his way into Gabe's bed, Gabe into his bed, or crashes and hogs Owen's toddler bed. Owen is usually half on half off his bed. He might have blankets on him and he ALWAYS has at least 4 OBV tickety bu blankets at all times. I like to imagine what they're dreaming of. I like to push their hair back and kiss their foreheads softly, careful not to wake them.

All too soon they will be grown and gone from their bunk-beds. Serving missions if they choose, getting married, having children of their own. I want to remember the little things. I want to remember how Gabriel sleeps with his face pressed into the pillow and his mouth wide open. I want to know that Julian grinds his teeth when he is dreaming. I need to remember that Owen? He gets that drooling habit from his mama.

My confession is this. Even on my worst day, I am here. I am where I belong. This is MY family, forever. I love them. They make me crazy. I make them crazy. They make me laugh. They make me proud. They help to keep me here and now. Present. And they make me want to do better, try harder, BE better.

So tonight, Owen had one of my random vampire diaries books hidden between his mattress and the crib. Julian slept alone, snuggling his guinea pig stuffed animal, Patches. Gabe? No blanket. Duh. Asleep completely across his entire bed. Bed hog to the max.