Wednesday, June 12, 2013

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What do you do when you have everything, and I mean everything that you've ever wanted in life. And you're doing the thing that you've had every desire to do for as long as you can remember? For me that's motherhood. It's all I've ever wanted. I never had huge ambitions or the desire for further education. I wanted babies and to be a mom. Somedays, it is wonderful. Somedays I feel like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Somedays I feel like I might even be doing a decent job. It's the days when my kids are nice and respectful and kind. They listen to things that I ask them to do. They don't talk back, they might even eat their dinners. Those days I feel like I'm doing it right. The problem with those days is that they are few. And they are very far between. Most days I feel like I am doing absolutely nothing right. I feel like my kids could do so much better and that I did nothing to deserve them. (Really, that's true. I don't deserve them.) I feel like a failure. A big ol' fat loser. I'm the grumpy mom that says no. I'm the mean mom that I hate. I hate the mom that I am. I hate the wife that I am. I hate how I can hardly keep up with the bare minimums around my house. I am not good at the one thing I've ever wanted and it hurts. So bad. I try to remind myself that tomorrow's another day. And oh you will do better tomorrow, but if history is any indicator....the outlook is not so good. This stage of my life will be over before I know it, and I don't want to live with constant regret. I want to be the fun and kind mom, but I'm finding that's just not me. I'm a crappy mean mom. I'm a crappy house-keeper and grumpy wife. I feel like I'm still trying to keep all of these balls up in the air and failing. I drop one and I drop them all. To think I had the same issues almost 4 years ago and 2 less kids. I'll buckle down and power through. I do. I just, well, I just wish I was better at the one thing I've always wanted. The one desire of my heart. I wish that love was enough. I wish I could love myself into being a better mom. I wish it were simple.

5 comments:

Nicole said...

Christia, I think every mom in the universe has felt this way. In fact, mine is today and lately as well. I was doing good about a week ago because I was trying to relax and enjoy the kids, do nothing else. It was so nice. Now I'm in project mode and they are in the back burner and I'm cranky and tired of them. Sigh... can we not have a happy medium? Try to focus on nothing but relaxing and playing for awhile. Does the soul some good.

Nicole said...

Christia, I think every mom in the universe has felt this way. In fact, mine is today and lately as well. I was doing good about a week ago because I was trying to relax and enjoy the kids, do nothing else. It was so nice. Now I'm in project mode and they are in the back burner and I'm cranky and tired of them. Sigh... can we not have a happy medium? Try to focus on nothing but relaxing and playing for awhile. Does the soul some good.

Miss Pink said...

I think every mum feels this way. I know I do often! But let me tell you, you don't appear to be a bad mum, I actually admire your parenting a lot.
I also believe that part of being a good mum is the ability to say no, to instill some discipline in your children, and to help them bond as siblings, which sometimes means you have to be the enemy they unite against.
Just think, do you admire those mothers who cannot say no to their kids? No way! You think to yourself 'If only they would tell their child no. If only they would set limits.'
You're doing a fantastic job. You really are. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, mum's are looked at to be superheroes when we're only human too. We get tired, we need to rest, and we need breaks.

Holly said...

Oh C - how I love you. I feel that way daily. Truly, I do. I hear, "I hate you!", or "You're so mean!" at least once a day (and usually from the same child). I love the mom that you are. I've watched you with your kids and have wished I could be as fun and patient. No kidding. Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't deserve it. And yes, you DO deserve those kids, and the wonderful life you and Barry are creating for your family. The housework will always be there, but the little feet won't. I need to heed this advice as well. I think a happy medium is hard to come by in reality.

Love you much my friend!!

Wes Little said...

I think you are a great mom too!! I agree with these ladies as well! I think us moms set these high standards for ourselves and we get disappointed more if we don't achieve them! every day isn't going to be fun but you have created a lot of memories with your kids and they will remember the good times!