Wednesday, June 12, 2013
What do you do when you have everything, and I mean everything that you've ever wanted in life. And you're doing the thing that you've had every desire to do for as long as you can remember? For me that's motherhood. It's all I've ever wanted. I never had huge ambitions or the desire for further education. I wanted babies and to be a mom. Somedays, it is wonderful. Somedays I feel like I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Somedays I feel like I might even be doing a decent job. It's the days when my kids are nice and respectful and kind. They listen to things that I ask them to do. They don't talk back, they might even eat their dinners. Those days I feel like I'm doing it right. The problem with those days is that they are few. And they are very far between. Most days I feel like I am doing absolutely nothing right. I feel like my kids could do so much better and that I did nothing to deserve them. (Really, that's true. I don't deserve them.) I feel like a failure. A big ol' fat loser. I'm the grumpy mom that says no. I'm the mean mom that I hate. I hate the mom that I am. I hate the wife that I am. I hate how I can hardly keep up with the bare minimums around my house. I am not good at the one thing I've ever wanted and it hurts. So bad. I try to remind myself that tomorrow's another day. And oh you will do better tomorrow, but if history is any indicator....the outlook is not so good. This stage of my life will be over before I know it, and I don't want to live with constant regret. I want to be the fun and kind mom, but I'm finding that's just not me. I'm a crappy mean mom. I'm a crappy house-keeper and grumpy wife. I feel like I'm still trying to keep all of these balls up in the air and failing. I drop one and I drop them all. To think I had the same issues almost 4 years ago and 2 less kids. I'll buckle down and power through. I do. I just, well, I just wish I was better at the one thing I've always wanted. The one desire of my heart. I wish that love was enough. I wish I could love myself into being a better mom. I wish it were simple.